Erika

We are not experiencing the pandemic, or the lockdown, as others do, for we have been there many times before. I was going to write about this – probably I still will – but Erika beat me to it. And she kindly agreed to let me share it with you. With a much-needed good news amongst all the craziness and the general gloom. We love you!

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A 7th birthday, a little brother and a global pandemic. Those are the thoughts that spin around in my head. I am thinking about living in a state of emergency, as we did for several years. When I so longed to be a part of the ordinary world that, strangely enough, just kept moving around us. Now the whole world is in a state of emergency and we are a part of it. I don’t know how to find the words to write about it. 

At the same time a little brother is kicking in my belly. Yes little brother! I got it confirmed by ultrasound a few days ago. A little brother who is now 19 cm long and from all that can be seen (and felt) is healthy (and strong!).

It is amazing. But, like many others, I mostly feel at loss. How can I protect him from everything that is going on? As far as I have been able to find out, you do not belong to a risk group as pregnant in Sweden. But in some countries you do. And as usual I find it difficult to emotionally and physically separate now from then. During all the years when Luca had low immunity, everything that Luca or I touched felt like potentially life threatening. The focus was always on living as normal as we could, doing fun things and living our lives for as long as it was possible. But the fear was a constant companion. At one point, a normally unharmful bacteria nearly took his life, before we had been able to try the last experimental treatments that we were still hoping might save him. I now recognise that same fear in my body. The body reacts the same, though instead of Luca being in danger, everyone else is. His little brother, myself as his guardian and everyone else that we love and depend on. Everyone else in the world. The body remembers and that same fear is triggered, but now I don’t know where to focus my worries. Who should be protected and how?

At the same time, we are planning for a birthday celebration tomorrow. With green cake, new lego and flowers at his grave. Without hugs and with distance between us. Luca celebrated his last birthday with such joy, after all. I still believe that his joy of life can lead the way, even in these times.